How to provide support to someone who self-harms

Written by: Cassandra Govender, Lead therapist for general psychiatry

Discovering that someone you care about is self-harming can be an emotional and overwhelming experience. It is natural to feel scared, confused, or even helpless. However, your support can make a significant difference in their journey toward healing.

Why do people self-harm?

It is important to understand the reasons why your loved one might be self-harming and to see this behaviour in the context of the broader distress they may be experiencing. While everyone is different and reasons may vary, here are some facts to keep in mind:

1. Self-harm is a coping mechanism, not attention-seeking: Many people mistakenly believe that self-harm is done for attention. In reality, it is often a deeply personal and private way of coping with emotional pain. For some, it provides temporary relief from overwhelming distress, while for others, it helps them feel something when experiencing emotional numbness.
2. It is not always linked to suicide – but it can increase risk: Self-harm is different from a suicide attempt. Many individuals who self-harm do not want to die; rather, they are trying to manage emotional distress. However, frequent self-harming can increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or behaviours over time, so it is important to take it seriously.
3. Shame and secrecy are common: People who self-harm often feel ashamed, or fear being judged. As a result, they may go to great lengths to hide their injuries. Approaching them with kindness, rather than criticism, can help them feel safe enough to open up.
4. It can feel scary to talk about, but conversations matter: If you are worried about saying the wrong thing, you are not alone. Many people feel unprepared or anxious about addressing self-harm. However, avoiding the topic won’t make it go away. A calm, non-judgmental conversation can be the first step toward helping them seek healthier coping strategies.

Looking after yourself

Supporting someone who self-harms can be emotionally challenging and we can’t stress how important it is to take care of yourself. Here’s a few things which can help.

• Acknowledge your feelings: It is normal to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, or even helpless. Give yourself permission to feel these emotions without guilt.
• Seek support for yourself
  • Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about how you are feeling.
  • Join support groups for loved ones of people who self-harm.
• Set realistic expectations
  • Recovery is not linear—there may be setbacks along the way.
  • Your role is to offer support, not to “fix” or take responsibility for their healing.
• Learn more about self-harm: Understanding self-harm can help you feel more prepared and less overwhelmed. Reading books, articles, or professional resources can provide insights into how to best support your loved one.

What if someone self-harming refuses help?

If the person does not want help, remember:

You cannot force them to seek treatment, but you can continue offering compassion and support.

Keep communication open and remind them that you are there for them.

If their safety is at risk, and if there is ever a point where you are worried about your loved one’s safety or if you think they may be having any suicidal thoughts or feelings, you should seek urgent medical attention for them either via your GP or local emergency services. 

Supporting someone who self-harms is not easy, but your kindness and patience can have a profound impact. It is okay to feel overwhelmed, and it is important to take care of yourself while being there for them. By offering non-judgmental support, encouraging healthier coping strategies, and seeking help when needed, you can help your loved one navigate their journey toward healing.