*Trigger warning*
To my darling cocaine…
The sadness I felt when I thought you were dead, was in many ways so hard to deal with. it did though allow my feelings to come back and gave me my self-worth again but most importantly it gave me my freedom. it showed me a new way of life, a better way of life.
Sadly, our re-connection on several occasions was so unhealthy but impossible to break free from. I felt immense pain and felt so sad, yet got such a sense relief when I found out you were finally dead.
I will grieve for you & for my loss, with the true belief that this, like everything in life, happened for a reason. Our time together along with our relationship served a purpose. I will be strong, I will move on and I will have a wonderful fulfilled future filled with love, laughter and happiness that I desire and know I truly deserve.
I could tell so many stories of our times together, the good, the bad, the funny and the sad.
For now, I will leave those memories in the past and in my thoughts where they belong and just be thankful to my higher power that the universe as always, provided me with what I was meant to have and could handle. Thankfully it has now set us free from each other and allowed me to move on wards and upwards in my spiritual growth and to start to live my life again.I will miss you and when I reflect back on the times we shared together, often alone but also with others, the memories bring laughter (mainly due to insanity) and equally bring tears of sadness and pain.
Our time together over the past 23 years, during each stage of my life, I loved you, I hated you, all at the same time. I will however cherish our time together for what it was. it is what it is and was what it was. Without you I would not have met so many people or done so many things in my life, none of which I will regret, including the things I am ashamed of and not proud of.
We shared many secluded days and nights together, sometimes weeks on end just the two of us together 24/7. I needed you in my life and couldn’t live without you. There were times we went out with friends or in groups. Then there were the times we went and partied hard, you even meet my family, thought I’m sure they didn’t even see you. You were always there when I was with them but I had to shield you for my own sanity, and for theirs. Maybe they saw you maybe they didn’t and it was me who was naive but regardless of that, thank you for being there when I thought I needed you and now that our time has come to an end.
THANK YOU for setting me free. I can finally move on and be content within myself. I truly know you died in vain for me, to allow me to have a better way of life and I will honour that and our relationship along with your legacy by doing exactly that.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, with complete faith in that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I am where I am meant to be toady. I was where I was meant to be in my past, in the journey I have taken and will be where I am meant to be in my future. I will get to where I am looking to be and where I am meant to be, fully aware of the hard work, commitment and energy that I need to put in myself to be able to get there and have A new clean way of life that I believe is my destiny.
I will never forget you, I will never regret you and I will never again accept you. Our love affair was intense but thankfully now only a memory and part of my past. No one or any substance will every replace you, nor take control away of my life from me ever again.
Just for today I promise myself and my son, I will take one day at a time and I will stay clean.
Forever in my past, but never forgotten.
To myself…
I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.
RIP COCAINE: ‘1995 – 8TH October 2019
Written by Paul Zimbler, 41 years of age
